Part 3: Everyone goes to hell and has a terrible time
by Pizzapig
Summary: Part 3 of my bitchin' series, crack fic, do not have to read the first 3 to make sense but is advised. Jesus and his angel/human squad is condemned to hell by an evil overlord (his father). Will they escape? Will they die of angst? Who will hook up? and will anyone ever figure out how to change Dean from skunk to human? Read to find out.
1. Everyone wants the devil

**Part 3- Everyone goes to hell and has a terrible time**

_A/N since this is set in hell, it is actually a lot harder for me and my muse to put in humor I don't know why, so sorry there is kinda less funny bits and more angst, as always please leave a review at the end._

Chapter 1

"I'm cold." Complained Jesus.

"Its hell." Said Gabriel "What did you expect? Rainbow and lollipops?"

"Sure as hell expected something other than this wasteland of rock and ugliness. Where's the strippers? The murders? Even the demons? I'm extremely underwhelmed, there's not even the sensual smell of rotting flesh in the air I was promised. I'm starting to doubt this is even hell, it's not as nearly bone chilling and soul destroying as described."

"This isn't some holiday." Said Michael gravely "This is a punishment for our sins." He looked pointedly at Lucifer.

"Oh, don't start Michael." Said Gabriel throwing him an exasperated look.

"What that?" said Dean looking in the distance. Dean was still unfortunately a cute, green eyed, white and black skunk.

"Its as I feared." Said Lucifer very dramatically staring off into the direction Dean was indicating "I tried to direct our fall into the most quiet bit of hell, but they have found us."

"Who?" said Sam with apparent worry.

"The fandemons."

The dust cleared, and the first thing that could be heard was the chanting, "Lucifer. Lucifer! Lucifer." over, and over, and over again.

"Our king! Your back." The hoard yelled barring their teeth and polishing their horns.

"Our creator is back. Our smoking hot ruler."

"Lucifer, Lucifer, look at all the people I tortured Lucifer."

"Lucifer, Lucifer, look at all the souls I condemned to hell."

"Lucifer, Lucifer, the fiery hot ambers of my twisted soul are aching for you. LOVE ME OUR RULER."

Lucifer backed up horrified.

"ohh Luci." Teased Gabriel "You're so hot and handsome, Will you sign my chest if I ask nicely."

"Shut up Gabriel." He said "They're more dangerous than they look."

"You're the ruler of hell, they clearly worship you, what's so dangerous about them?" asked Sam naively.

"Those." Said Judas motioning to the blades and pitchforks they carried.

"Demons are condemned to destroy those they love." informed Michael with an edge of sadness.

"Son of a bitch. Run!" Squeaked Dean hissing at the demons whilst clinging to his angel, and barring his butt in warning.

As fast as their legs would carry them they ran away from the hoard of demons, taking refuge in a cave and blocking up the entrance so they were hidden. Sam started a fire to keep the cold of hell at bay, but would not shine light within the dark gloom of hell. Dean Immediately fell asleep curled protectively between his brother and angel, his tiny body exhausted. For the first time in a long time Castiel too rested, the empty void of hell sapping his strength, as well as every other angel within the group. Judas and Jesus found their own corner of the cave to call their own. Gabriel rested nearby the fire whilst Michael and Lucifer took first watch.

At what could be guessed 10pm at best Lucifer started shaking.

"Cold?" said Michael concerned. Lucifer nodded, his teeth chattering and his frame shaking. Michael threw some more dead flesh on the fire, but Lucifer was still shaking. Michael moved closer to Lucifer, extending his wings. Michaels wings were the colour of rubies, a deep dark colour of blood, and the red of an apology rose from a broken marriage. They were straight and uniform, every feather in its place, and deadly to the touch, every single one was lethal except the small few closest to his body. It was intimidating to behold, Michaels greatest pride and greatest shame.

"This place." Said Lucifer "It's the foulest place in the Universe, I'm sorry you had to return."

Michael was silent for a while, staring off into the fire "It is not your fault." he finally said, a hard thing for him to admit. "You may have done bad things Lucifer, but you are not a bad angel."

"Contestable; But I admire the sediment all the same. Whatever it takes, I will get you out of here Michael, hell is no place for one such as you." A look of evil Malice flashed across his face.

"As long as you come with me Lucifer." Michael said.

Lucifer remained quiet, not even the deathly wails of the damned broke the thick butter of silence.

"Luce." Michael said softly, avoiding his gaze as he stared deeply into the fire composed of flesh.

"Mikey, I belong here. The filth, trash, and garbage, the sinners, the death, the murders, and the evil, they are of my kind. Heaven is not a place for one tainted as I. I am battered, and cracked, corrupted long before I was banished here. For the high heavens, I am not pure enough."

"Lucifer, that is not true, you are more than you know." he said getting closer but Lucifer pushed him away.

"Mikey no." he said standing up and walking away. "I cannot."

"Lucifer!" Lucifer stopped, the shadows of the fire casting a shadow of horns and a tail.

"Do you not see what I am Mikey." he said verging on the border of something horrendous.

"All I see is you my beautiful brother."

Lucifer turned around and in less than a millisecond had Michael Pushed up against the cave, his face in shadows, he bared his true face.

"Do you not see what I am now brother!" he grunted evilly.

"I see the no difference brother."

Lucifer turned away in disgust throwing Michael to the floor.

"Promise me you'll return with me." Michael said his throat closing up with the effort to hold back tears

"You are asking too much brother, I cannot."

"I will not leave without you."

"You cannot stay."

Michael got to his feet, a single manly tear ran down Lucifers face.

Michael Jumped, hitting the cave roof, and banging his head as Gabriel patted him on the shoulder.

"Get some rest Cera," he said, "me and Sambo will to take over the next watch."

A blank look crossed Michael face but he nodded anyway, finding a deep dark corner of the cave to curl up in.

"Don't try anything funny." Said Sam sitting down and crossing his arms across his chest, as though that would protect him from Gabriels famous purple nurples, where he turned the victim into a giant purple elephant.

"What moi?" Said Gabriel innocently batting his eyelashes. "You offend my honour good sir, I would not hurt even the most innocent fly."

Sam glared at him.

"Still not angry at me sambo are we?"

"You killed my brother over 300 times, I think I do have a right to be a little bit pissed yes."

Gabriel waved him off, "That was ages ago Sambo, live and forgive, that's my motto."

"You expect me to forgive that. You must be more insane than I thought"

"You forgave Luci -extensity I might add- I saw the photos."

Sam blushed "That's different" he mumbled, deciding to ignore Gabriel and grumpily stare at a piece of rock as though it had offended him.

All too soon a loud scream pierced the room. Sam got to his feet pulling out his gun. Everyone in the room woke up except Jesus who was a lazy ass and would not wake up for the world ending, e.g. his refusal to wake for the great Noahs art debacle of 2350BC, he had slept through the whole thing to Judas's great disgust.

Lucifer was first to the scene, where Michael who was half asleep was backed up against the wall, sword drawn, a wrathful look upon his face.

"Back up." Commanded Lucifer.

No one moved.

"I said now!" he shouted.

The room dispersed and Lucifer was left to talk to Michael.

"Hey Mikey." He said coaxingly "It's okay, it's me, you can drop the sword now. Mikey lower the sword! No, no, its okay Mikey, can you drop the sword, can you do that for me? Oh for fathers sake Mikey, this is pathetic. Attention Soldier! Drop your weapons and get into formation."

"Father?"

"No Mikey"

"Luci?"

"That's right Mikey, now drop the sword." Michael lowered the sword, and Lucifer took it from him putting it in his own jacket. He hugged Michael tight, as he so did not cried in his arms.

"It's okay mickey, were okay."

"I don't want to go back there Luci."

"I know, you don't have to."

"I'm going to going to hurt you Luci, I'm going to hurt you again."

"It's okay brother, no one's hurting anyone."

Michael pushed Lucifer away. "Stay away from me." He said backing up horrified

"Mikey, no, it's okay, it's in the past, you're just having flashbacks, it's not real."

Lucifer tried to advance but Michael unfurled his wings, raising them in warning, keep away.

"Hey." Said Gabriel leading Lucifer away, "How about we give him a bit of space okay? He'll come around eventually."

Lucifer sat miserably by the door, sharpening his angel blade as Michael sat shaking by himself in a oozing corner, trying to block out the vivid flashbacks of his past.


	2. A Superhero vs a Dick

Chapter 2

Once the fire burnt out, and they ran out of fuel, the darkest of dark descended upon the small cave, a dark darker than even the most emo of teenager. Using a combined group effort from the angels the wall was knocked out of the ring K.O, and they made their way through hell - Following the leader, the leader, to see as far as Lucifer could go.

"I will literally turn you into a piece of frog poop if you do not stop." Said Gabriel turning on Jesus, who kept whistling the tune highway to hell for the last two hours.

"Make me shortie." He said giving him the finger.

Gabriel raised his own snapping fingers in warning

"Hold up" said Judas intervening. "Jesus apologise."

"No, don't wanna."

"Jesus." He said putting on his mom voice.

"fine." He pouted "I am sorry you are sound deaf and cannot appreciate my awesome tunes."

Gabriel glared at him with malice.

"Fuck me." Said Lucifer stopping.

"I volunteer." Said Sam slapping his hands over his mouth at his pavilion response.

Gabriel decided to take revenge later, it would be far too obvious to do anything now.

A hoard of skeletons ran out of the mountainside their swords raised high.

"Step aside peasants." said Gabriel, unlacing his boot and the left shoe of everyone in the company, till he had a collection of shoes. Then one by one he threw the ugly and strange shoes at the skeletons heads.

Their skulls turned into powdered bone and they fell down, dust in the wind.

Everyone politely clapped, except Dean, who "accidently" sprayed cocky Gabriel in the face who was doing "I am the most awesome" dance, which consists of a lot of unnecessary booty shaking and twerking.

Gabriel turned on Dean, a pissed look on his face, and fire clasped within his hand.

"Sorry." Said Dean innocently, "It was an accident, I'm still learning how to control this body, (that still no one has fixed)."

"Why you little skank, that was no accident," said Gabriel diving for him, and missing as Dean jumped from Cas to Sam, who Gabriel didn't dare touch. "Ill get you later for this Winchester." said stinky smelly Gabriel vowing yet another revenge in the space of 1 hour.

Dean just stuck out his tongue, he was untouchable perched atop his massive moose of a brother.

Before long it was raining blood and they were forced to find shelter from the ashen dessert. After a hour or so of stumbling through the dust and dirt a cave was sighted by Michael. The cave was an exact replica of the previous one, and Dean swore was the same tree as well, which Lucifer insisted was in fact a completely different cave, and everything looked the same in hell, a curse of the place. Jesus accused him of leading them in circles, Lucifer threatened to fry Jesus into crispy fried chicken, Jesus promptly shut up, knowing at least this once what was best for him.

After a few more complaints, everyone retired to their respective corner and fell immediately asleep, except of course two guards, Michael and Sam, who got on pretty well despite everything.

The cave was awoken to the sound of Castiel and Dean arguing.

"Dean how could you." Said Castiel upset, throwing a pair of Jesus's boxes in Deans, very human and very confused face.

"Jesus." Said Judas disappointed "I thought we meant something."

Cas was the first one to storm out of the cave together, Judas following close behind, leaving a very confused Dean and upset Jesus.

"Tough break." Commented Gabriel.

Dean and Jesus zeroed in on Gabriel at the same time, cartoon like realisation flashing across their face.

"Gabriel." Said Dean angrily.

"paybacksa bitch."

The naked Dean Lunged at Gabriel who danced backwards, a combination of breakdancing, and jazz. Dean lunged again, pulling out a few of Gabe's feathers as he flew up, his gold reflective, shiny wings expanding along the length of the cave, blinding everyone with their reflective light within the dark bowels of hell.

"There is one thing you don't do, and that is messing with a mans relationship." said Jesus a cold fury in his eyes no one had seen since the dark ages.

Trying to not let the fear show Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows, disappearing out of the cave and into the dark purple sky, a deep dark void that encompassed the ceilings of hell.

Jesus span on the spot, shining stars and glitter covered him fully, and he transformed into a beautiful superhero. A giant J across his chest and a blood red cape to match, he was J-zee the rebel, and he was out for blood. Jesus raised his fist up high, his matching red gloves directing the way and he flew high into the void, following Gabriel's ascent.

Jesus struck a pose, hands on hips and head held high, his long hair bellowed in the feral cold wind behind him.

POW! He struck out his fist.

BAM! He kicked Gabriel in the thigh.

WHAM! Gabriel clipped the underside of Jesus's jaw sending him back flipping through the sky.

WHOOM! Jesus flew up speedily and span Gabriel around in a circle.

BAARG! Gabriel bear hugged Jesus

SPLAT! Jesus spat at him

POW! POW! Gabriel double struck Jesus in the gut

"I was hoping it wouldn't come to this," said Jesus clutching his stomach. "But you give me no choice."

Gabriel laughed cockily "You cannot hurt me."

Zap! Jesus struck Gabriel with lightening

"I did not know you could do that." Gabriel said surprise on his face as he fell backwards, wings singed, he landing with a PUFF! In the dust, causing Dean who had found a pair of pants and was now watching the fight eagerly to get covered head to toe in dust.

Jesus landed beside Gabriel victory written on his cape in flashing neon colours. He grabbed Gabriel by the ear and dragged him across the dessert where his lover, and Castiel were sulking.

"Ow." Complained Gabriel.

"Tell them what you did." Said Jesus throwing Gabriel down in the dust.

"Nothing."

"The truth!" encouraged Dean.

"It was me." Sulked Gabriel "Your boy toy Dean did not cheat with this douche."

"I know." said Judas.

"You do." Said Jesus

"Of course, no way would you sleep with him." said Judas disapprovingly.

"Hey!" said Dean "He would be lucky to have this ass."

Judas snorted.

"Why did you do it?" asked Cas to Gabriel.

"For revenge of course."

"No," said Cas "that is not the reason."

Gabriel got uncomfortable, shuffling his shoes.

"Out with it then shortie." Said Dean threatingly banishing his gun.

"I'm in love with -

*BAM* a giant explosion interrupted Gabriel.

"Run. Now." Said Judas in a scarily calm tone.


End file.
